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| How are you doing? 2-13-12, edit and finished 3-21-12
Short answer: meh okay.
Long Answer:
Okay, not as good as before. Feels like I’ve took a couple steps back instead of making progress. Just gotta work on a few stuff here and there, get my head back on straight and I’ll be good.
Super Long Answer:
Regression
For the last few months I have been in a slow state of regression. I can’t exactly pinpoint when it occurred but I believe it was during dead week of last semester. I fooled myself into thinking that by staying busy I was making progress and moving forward. I did not even notice the slow regress until recently. This regression is hard for me to explain to myself, and for the longest time even though I felt like something was off I could not put my finger on it.
In my attempts to explain it I have attributed it to a couple factors. Going from the highest broadest over arching factor I simply wanted to better myself and prepare myself so I can make a difference in the world. In terms of bettering myself there is the four accounts; Mental, Physical, Financial, and Emotional. Now none of these accounts are extraordinary, in fact the financial account has been in the deficient for many months now with credit card debt. However it is my physical account that has deteriorated dramatically. I believe this is a main contributor to my regression.
This may seem silly to some, just because I got out of shape my whole life got worst. For me it makes perfect sense. As a Health and Exercise (similar to Kinesiology) student we study this about exercise in detail. It’s pretty much our mantra, “Exercise is good for you!” and for me to talk to the talk and not walk the walk it adds on a cognitive and emotional factor. It’s on a spiritual level for me the body is deeply connected to the mind and soul. This is not a matter of perspective but has been alluded to in religion and science. Besides simply put, being out of shape does make you feel worst! It’s more than just looking good or being in shape. It’s my Body and I’m getting it back. (Link: My Body and Working Out)
As for the emotional account that is the second account that changed the most. I went from being standoff-ishly single (not the best thing) to investing in a girl with things not working out. I think the whole process took a slight toll on me. That left me a bit disoriented on where I stand relationship-wise, but I managed to reorient myself! (Link: Reoriented - Single Life)
But please don’t think about the emotional account simply as romantic emotions, it’s about all the relationships you have with people, family, friends, coworkers and everyone else. My relationship with my parents has been distant and complex, but that is something that I do not want to drive into right now. As for Friends, well my sister and I have been talking about this lately. This is a complex matter and I feel like everyone has touched on the subject. In respect to this it is about having meaningful positive relationships with others. In that sense I do. But with more time I wish to dive further into the subject of Friendship, Good Friends and bad friends. Future blog to come! ( Do we setting for those around us or do we pick who we want to be with? Xanga ppl, bro house, fraternity. )
Financial account. Little has changed in this account. I acquired a debt to due to a gambling phase in my life. A real addiction, nothing to be taken lightly, but I’m glad to say I’m finally over that. (Link: Gambling) In all little has changed here. I am still mildly stress about finances and I hate how it is such a huge limiting factor in my life. I need to push through; I never want to be limited in this way.
Mental account. Unlike the other accounts this account has the most growth. I’ve been reading and learning and I have been enjoying it. It goes from things in school to the reading that I do on the side. I never thought that I would enjoy school this much. Some days I stand in awe of it. (Link: I r noob) There are days were I really apply myself, I find it a bit of a shame that I’ve finally come to realize this and it is the end of my college career. Definitely not the end of learning of course and there’s also graduate school. (Future Blog: Why I want to be a P.A, How bad do you want it)
Now that I reviewed the four accounts, I have not been bettering myself at all. I can now take action. Knowing is half the battle I feel better already. Something I can’t fix right away but just knowing that the problem is and how I am taking steps in the right direction makes me feel better already! Mental knots getting untied.
The four accounts give me a baseline to see how my life is going. Another base line is passion and enthusiasm. My overarching goal was to become a better and change the world link. Once again very broad. Put I consider this my life goal and all other goals shall be sub goals leading to a bigger goal. But there I remember days when I was filled with passion. I was excited to wake up every day. Every day was a new opportunity for me to do things. Now that sounds overly optimistic and cheesy but it was true! I was grateful for the opportunity and filled with energy. Being that this is my life goal I should by all means be enthusiastic. Too bad for the last few months I was lazy and didn’t really care.
So I’ve been in a state of regression because there was a net decrease in my four accounts and I’ve been lacking energy (Future Blog: Energy) to drive and push forward and the passion to maintain that energy. This was the biggest Red Flag that I noticed more so than the 4 accounts. I did not feel passionate or happy. This is in absolute contrast to how I envision my life to be. It is the opposite of the Meaning Of Life. (Future Blog: the meaning of life, different for everyone, be happy, be successful. Lived everyday to the fullest, always feel that sense of fulfillment. Sleep happy. To me that is the meaning of life, to do what you’re suppose to do. We were meant for so much more. Live to your full potential. Jeremiah 29:11) HUGE BLOG acutally.
So how am I doing? Much much better now.
I feel excited again. Come at me bro? =P
***BTW I would like to give a lot of credit to other people. The concept of the 4 Accounts comes direction from “Racing Towards Excellence” as for other thoughts and concepts I do believe it came mostly from other Xangans, I read blogs, liked ideas and made them my own. Props goes to my friends and sister also even though they don’t even know it. Oh and not to mention all the other random books I read and to some note worthy teachers.
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| Written Spring 2011 Semester Edit 3/22/12
Wow as I’m trying to study right now I really had to take a break and write this down. Even though it is only the second week of school I can honestly say I very much enjoy ALL of my classes! I know this sounds very nerdy but it’s true, plus this is a fairly recent feeling. Too bad I didn’t feel like this earlier in my academic career. This semester I am taking Human Anatomy, Principles of Strength and Conditioning, Sports and Exercise Nutrition, and Religion and Society.
This is my second time taking Anatomy, and yes I did FAIL the first time around. The first time around I HATED the course, it was a prerequisite and I just wanted to get it done and over with. It was such an overwhelming course I just wanted to shut down, and I did my mind went blank. All the muscles, its location, function, innervations, action, origin, insertion, plus the bones and its individual parts on each bone, the nerve, artery and veins, the organs and all its parts and functions. My goodness I dreaded each lecture, lab, quiz and exam. I was drowning in a sea of knowledge with no foot hold.
But the second time around, I would have to say I am excited for every lab. We get to work with real cadavers! Yes we dissect them and everything. Talk about hands on experience huh? Going in I know the muscles name, its location, where it attaches what it does. I get to see and feel it. It just amazes me, the human body is pretty amazing. Don’t get me wrong I study everyday for it, the difference is now I know what to study and how to study, and now that I am actually learning it’s just so intriguing. I actually want to learn. There are some days where I want everyone and everything to leave me alone for a few hours so I can just study! I still have to study a lot, this course is still hard even though it’s the 2nd go around. But this time around I just have a much more positive attitude.
This Religion and Society really hits the spot. It satisfies a deep and long craving. First off I want to give major props to Huston Smith the guy who wrote “The Illustrated World’s Religions A Guide To Our Wisdom Traditions” after reading the introduction I’m touch by the amount of heart he has. The introduction radiated with positive and good energy. It’s obvious that he wrote this with the purest of intentions. He really wants to learn about the religion for the sake of that religion to better the human self to make humans more human and whole. That’s a pretty noble purpose.
Growing up I always had a guilty curiosity about other religions and all things mystic: fables, faerie tales, myths, magic, and science fiction. I felt guilty because there was never an encouragement to look into different religions or dive into mystics. The focus was always on God or some aspect of the Trinity, I felt like a bit of a traitor for focusing my attention elsewhere, but that’s for another blog. (ReveLife: The Others)
On a last note about liking to learn/study, getting an A is a good feeling. Not only does it reflect all the hard work you put in, but if you get enough of them the University gives you money, through the form of Scholarships! What a great deal! Also people will pat you on the back and tell you “Good Job” and then they will be proud and happy for you, especially your parents, and your parents might even get off your back a little =D
*Disclaimer* Now with all this being said why do I barely have any As on my transcript?! I have an extremely low GPA and I did bad on pretty much all of my previous semesters -__- But hey at least I’m turning my life around now!
I should continue this on another blog. (Learning for the sake of learning, the ‘soft science’)
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| I use to love to gamble and I had a gambling addiction. I had many signs of addiction. I remember how it felt when all I thought about was Black Jack it consumed all of my thoughts. I couldn’t wait for my next paycheck so I can go gamble. It would affect my mood and physiology. After a while I would need a bigger ‘fix’ I need to gamble larger sums of money before it would arousal me, ‘small’ losses or wins didn’t matter much.
I lost a decent amount of money to it and that is till affecting me today. Looking bad I try to see why I was so into it and why I am so disgusted by it now. I liked the feeling of winning and I like having that extra money, it was easy money. A couple hands it and it would be the same amount of money I would make In a week. I felt like I had control, and that every new hand was a new opportunity it was pretty exciting. People gamble for different reason and have different views on it. In fact my friend is a professional poker player and he loves his work.
However I am disgusted on how I viewed it. I wanted to win because it made me feel good. Since when did I seek instant gratification in such a way? Since when did I need that to feel good? I should feel good by working hard, making progress and having achievements. I should feel good by hanging out with friends. Its one thing to gamble, win and feel good, its another thing to go to casino, to have the feel good feeling of winning.
Easy money. I wanted to have some money. I am by no means from a poor family but we weren’t exactly the most well off. Growing up I remember we had to cut corners and save whenever we can. In college my parents would constantly remind me of how I shouldn’t eat out or spend money on ‘extra’ things even if my friends were. It was all extremely frustrating, the lack of money was very frustrating. To me being able to win a paychecks worth (2 weeks of work) of money in a matter of hours was well worth the risk for me. Instead of busting my ass working for a little minimum wage I can just go to the casino risk some money, make the right move and then I would be set. But because of that I lost a lot more than I gain. I guess there’s always a catch to easy money. Also this has a lot to do with ego but I honestly think my time is worth a lot more than what I make working as a chef at the restaurant, but that’s more for me to put myself in a situation where I have more options than that. I don’t want easy money, I want my work to be valued and paid reasonably.
The sense of control and power went from appealing to appalling. It became all to fake for me. Being a winner, making the right move, having that money. It seems to me that it was just a fancy illusion to get me rope in, but in reality there is no substance to this time of control or power. To think that I bought into it so much that is what’s appalling to me. I know there are others who love the game for the sake of the game, but I guess that wasn’t totally me.
All in all this was my experience with gambling and to be totally honest I think I am done.
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| For most of my life I have been single. In almost 22 years of living I’ve had a girlfriend for 1.5 years. Speaking strictly about romantic relationships I was confused in what I wanted. Did I want a girl or did I not?
Things are becoming clear again. Yes and no. I do want a girl but not quite at this moment. I need to learn to be happy with myself and by myself again. Things are heading in the right direction but it’s not quite there yet. I do not wish to been seen at this state. I need to be in a state where I am more organized and established. I am fighting to reestablish a lifestyle and pace of life to where I want it to be. This is my first priority right now.
I do not want a girl because I am focusing on myself. I feel that if I have a girl I will be distracted and tempted. Instead of studying or working on my goals I will be tempted to hang out with her and talk to her. I will invest time and energy into her when I should invest time and energy into the startup of myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for flirting and dates and if something happens it happens. It’s just that I’m not looking and I’m not really willing to do work. Also honestly now all I see are pretty faces. I’m not sure if that is because I emotionally walled myself off from relationships or because I have a shift in standards.
Now I know I am missing out on cuddling, all things physical and the warmth and comfort of having someone who cares. But hey now, it’s been like that for a while and I’ve gotten use to it. Now if there’s a girl who shares the same goals and mindset as I do then things might get interesting. But for now it’s back to the grind, then I’ll be back on the prowl ;D
Things that I should mention in future blogs in this category should be:
-What I want in a GF
-Why exactly I’m Single, choice circumstances and fears
-Different types of ‘single’ mindsets
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| This is a test of will power, discipline and substance. Requirements Mind, Soul, Heart. Life
This is my body, which I love and accept, as I have and love and accept myself. The mind, body and soul are connected. I am a Soul this body is a vessel crafted and given to me. Though it is not eternal, it shall remain with me for the remainder of this time on earth. I shall keep it healthy and strong until death do us part. I am intricately connected to it, if I can strengthen it then by all means I will. Essentially this body will be a reflection of my Soul and Heart’s power for all to see.
Will Power. I shall put it through the fires of training. I will mold it and make it. It shall be broken down and rebuild. I shall craft it as it is in my mind’s eye. I shall master my body; it will push past pain and discomfort. This body will be a testimony of my will’s power. Through this pushing of the body I shall build the power of my Will. It shall be tried and tested. My will and resolve shall become strong. What I will to be done, will be done. The Will, will push forward. (Green Lantern come at me Bro!)
Discipline. I will discipline my body. This discipline shall enable me control. Though biology has its control, my body shall do my bidding. I do not seek to enslave, but to master my body. We are one and shall function as one. Disciplining of the body will crossover into disciplining other areas of my life. I will teach my body, learn discipline and inherited its fruits. My discipline will keep me from going astray. Discipline will resist the pull.
Substance. What am I made of? Flesh and blood. Carbon and chemicals. Sun and Steel. I am that and more. There is more to what drives me than just ATP, there is more to lifting than just muscle mass. I train my body to create substance. It will be solid substantial substance in which I can lay a foundation. I will have substance. I am solid.
Through the training of my body I will empower my heart and mind. My mind will not falter to weak harassments of laziness and discomfort. They will have minute effects. My heart seeks more than the simple pleasures of sleeping in and joy of sweets, there is more to long for. And my Soul wants a body worthy to house it, and my Body needs a worthy soul to govern it.
“Bro, what you training so hard for?”
“Life”
*Talk is cheap
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